The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Well I was going to go home but vodka happened.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
Randomize
