Is it bad that my booty call's snoring was more interesting than the sex we had last night?
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.
Um, OK. WTF?
The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
look on the scale of 1 to the time you hit an old lady with your car chlamydia barely even rates
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
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