So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
So what's the moral of this story? Aside from 'lesbians hold grudges'?
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
I gave him head in my cape. On the kitchen floor. Watching a show about bacon.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
You know you're in the hamptons when it's 10pm And you kind of want to vomit white wine on rug that costs more than your apartment.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
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