I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
So I wore a corset to school. Fuck laundry.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
These cutoffs are too tight but my ass looks like Freedom
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
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