I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
She is in my trunk
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
I bought a dress specifically for face plant durability... this is how serious I am about my drunk status this weekend
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
there’s plenty of nice guys out there with good jobs and NO felonies!
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
