a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
She deliberately backed into the homewrecker's whoremobile and yelled ""FOR SPARTA!"
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
The cops high fived after they tackled you
Randomize
