Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!
I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser. I will not fuck this loser.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
she got the mcdonald's logo tattooed on her ass. sober. yesterday at noon.
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
its official, you're fucking me on my lunch break. the only thing I want in my mouth is your dick. pick me up at noon.
want fries with that?
Randomize
