I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
and he thought i came like four times in 2 mins. my leg just kept cramping up
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
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