i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
NO NINJA FIGHTING AT THE GAS STATION
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
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