I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
He fucked me while wearing a unicorn horn. I think I have found the one...
How did the surgery go?
My face feels like a marshmallow.
I can tell that I'm high when listening to celine dion becomes such a life changing experience
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