i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
I WANT MY VAGINA TO POUND AT NICE THINGS.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
You don't know how small your school is until you know everyone in the ER on a Friday night.
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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