forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
that was after robitussin, alcohol, and chocolate sauce... but before we finished pregaming
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.
so far we have 6 big wheels and 10 boxes of wine for the tour de franzia. team drunkslut is favored to win the yellow jersey.
I just found our entire wall-to-wall from September 2006 printed out and clipped... it's 49 pages. Blackout me is so considerate of bored-at-work me
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
THANKS BE TO BLACK BABY JESUS IN HIS LITTLE GOLDEN DIAPER FOR BLESSING ME WITH NOT PREGNANT
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
