I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Randomize
