I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
Randomize
