You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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