how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
Randomize
