two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
Threesome last night. Not that cool, you tend to pick a favorite.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
