made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
im too high. i could barely wash my hair, let alone handle a whole shower
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Randomize
