Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
I've only hooked up with engineers this year and it may be the best future financial decision I've ever made
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
when part of the plan includes getting high, i usually forget how the rest of the plan goes.
Randomize
