Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Are u alive? If u are, you deserve an award.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
