I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
It's like he's trying to get head in every car except his.
Alright. I will breast feed the first person to get here.
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
At least I can pee in a cup like a champ at this point
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Got it in all night, now at a bar at 730 am and we are the only two people here. Somewhere my mid twenties father is applauding me.
Sarah was butt-chugging wine and diarrhea'd all over the wall
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Did you guys just have three hour sex? You both stopped and restarted texting me at the same time
If I were to say yes, would we still be friends?
Randomize
