hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
i can't even hate his new girlfriend cuz she survived a fucking brain tumor. like that's just not fair.
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
I'm not going to tell you how to live your life, which includes naming your schlong
it will be a surprise...all I can say is stripper clown.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
