Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
Let's create a 16 and pregnant drinking game
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I'm at the point in my life where I'm trying to get guys I've fucked to give a ride to guys I'm going to fuck.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Thanks for fucking me in last night
TUCKING. TUCKING ME IN LAST NIGHT
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
Randomize