i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
Randomize
