a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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