If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
Did this whole conversation happen while you were shitting?
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
So on a scale of 1-10 how mad would you be if I sent you a picture from the inside of a strip club
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
I should have known it wouldn’t work. Someone saved in her phone as “Subway Sex” called the week before the wedding
Randomize