forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Drank a beer through my butt, how's your initiation going?
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
My roommate made maccoroni last nigh dropped the bowl off the counter knocking it into the dog bowl he picked up the dog bowl and started eating it claiming it was te worst Mac and cheese ever and if he wasnt so high he would stop eating it hahahaha
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