I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
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