yeah but I shoulda known it\'d be bad when he start rubbing my pubic bone instead of the clit! Awkkkkwarddd
two words: eviction party
Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
You threw up with such class too! Tiara and all.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
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