Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Hey, it's all about finding the bright side. And boobs are definitely a bright side.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
He eats kale on the regular. Do I look like a bitch that wants to eat kale. No. Give me some Boston market.
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
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