I just ate 3 burrito supremes and a crunchwrap...can't feel feet...I think I have diabetes
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
Yeah I said my new jacket was waterproof, not puke through your nose proof.
We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
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