am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
this beer tastes like vomit already
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
Well would you like to come over anyway? I will be wearing sweatpants and disappointment. Also, I have Jack Daniels and I've managed to get drunk in under half an hour. But my boobs look awesome.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
Yeah I don't think your wife thinks it's a good thing that you're fucking your cousin.
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Randomize
