wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
we need to tell them stories about when happens when we're sober so they think they know what they're in for when they're actually completely unprepared for whn happens when we get drunk
I really need to stop sending pussy pics if I'm going to be running for state representative in November
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
So what if you don't want to be with your family. Go drink alone and watch Netflix like a normal person, don't be productive!
On a scale of 1 to alcoholic in withdrawal how ready will you be to start drinking as soon as you arrive on campus?
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She’s a Vegas 8, which makes her an Oklahoma 27
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