Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
I know now the amount of smoke it takes to set off the fire alarm....no longer worried about using the bong...not even close
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
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