he told me i looked like an animal then proceeded to kiss me
Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Wow. Last night.
I knew you were shit blasted when you called me your "sunflower queen"
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
