don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
I really don't think my body can handle another night of drinking
Lol you talk like you have a choice
I am worried that I am gonna die before the weekend is over
Shes the whorey leader of that wolf pack, and all the less whorey wolves report back to her. She teaches them the ways
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
