No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
it's just like freshman year of high school, with more drugs
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
We just got in a fight with grandma b/c she tried to tell us you didn't go hard.
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Randomize
