I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize