STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
just found out they live across the street from coke dealers... rethinking the new years resolution
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
Randomize
