My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Aw lol. Sounds like my masturbation injury last year
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
Woke up to the frozen soundtrack blasting in the living room best one night stand ever
Holy shit, I wanna ride him into the horizon.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
Randomize
