Yeah, i don't remember peeing. or meeting the girl.
she farted while i was going down on her. not doing that again
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Randomize
