I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
so she finally agreed to being friends with benefits. not only did I take her virginity, when I woke up, she brought me French toast made with homemade bread in bed.
I worship thee.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
AMERICA LOVES YOU. RIDE THAT DICK LIKE PAUL REVERE RODE HIS HORSE SO MANY YEARS AGO
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
When you're done railing that chick, there is still half a pizza and some ninja turtle mac and cheese down here if you want
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
Randomize
