the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
