is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?
Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Please just help me figure out where the bruise on my face came from.
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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