In line at the arbys drive thru on foot. Legendary.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale
Woke up backwards on a recliner
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I have never lost more friends than while playing Uno drunk.
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
I did not marry a roomba.
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