Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Spotted: shirtless guy wearing cut-off hot shorts, 1 cowboy boot and a sombrero puking in a bush while his friend yelled 'stop being a bitch" from the sidewalk'. Happy 4th of July 'merica!
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
tell me about the eggs
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
