My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
So just talked to them hahah i like that people sat there and watched as you two made out... They said they even had to refill their beers
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Wait I'm all alone with a guy and his turtle
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
No. You don't want this. When I threw up last night, it was so intense I went blind for about 3 seconds.
And you said I'm not athletic, I rubbed one out with my sports band on, it's the same as walking 1/4 mile.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
Randomize
