You ever start fucking a girl and realize she kinda looks like your mom?
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
Just got a message on OkCupid from a 20-year-old who has "Momma's Boy" tattoed across his chest and thinks the earth is bigger than the sun.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
These tits shall not be calmed
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
I am a unicorn in a field of flowers, you asshole.
I’m sorry my lady boner messed up your mojo!!
Randomize
