Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
Btw, I feel the need to make sure we have no misunderstanding about this. So here goes. I'll happily mess around with you again. However, I probably won't do it while you're dressed like a creepy clown. Or any clown.
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
New rule. If he's too busy to put the "H" in "what" then I'm too busy to put his D in me.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
