Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
