so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I remember doing shots of gin, then I have this strange memory of us making out in the womens room at waffle house.
I regret none of it.
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
hitting rock bottom is getting taziki in your hair & simply putting it in a bun instead of actually dealing with it, just like your problems
I don't care if it's 2 inches or 20 I mean dick is dick
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