I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
We're exchanging our favorite porn sites at 9 am. I think this brings our relationship to a whole new level
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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